Another thing I did toward the end of that year produced a helpful long term perspective to the stuff of life. I saw a counselor to get some help with stress management.
“Listen, Marcus,” he said. “Life can get complicated these days. We go to a mechanic when our car needs to be fixed. We go to an accountant to get help with our taxes. What makes you think you can sort out your emotional life all on your own?”
I saw the counselor four or five times, and I learned pretty quickly that a counselor’s role is not to solve your problems. I think I was hoping he’d do that, but it doesn’t work that way.
Rather, a counselor’s role is to offer objectivity and insight. It’s to help you cut through the forest, see the trees, and work toward solutions yourself.
Early in our sessions, the counselor quickly sketched a helpful diagram on the back of a napkin to illustrate how easy it is to let our objectivity get clouded so we’re not seeing correctly, and, conversely, what a difference an unclouded worldview makes.
He drew a line on a piece of paper, and on the far side he wrote this word: catastrophe.
----------------------------------------------------------------CATASTROPHE
One harmful extreme people lean toward, the counselor explained, is viewing all their problems in an overly important light. Like, Oh no, my friend said so and so, and now it’s the end of the world.
That’s bad news if you want good health. Few things in life are actually a catastrophe. Avoid this extreme.
On the other side of the paper he wrote another word: indifference.
INDIFFERENCE--------------------------------------------------CATASTROPHE
Another harmful extreme people lean toward, he explained, is the tendency to shrug everything off. These people experience real problems, but they pretend the problems are no big deal. Like, I’ve got terminal cancer. Oh well. Easy come, easy go.
That doesn’t work either. When problems happen, they’re real, and if something is bugging you, it should be dealt with. Avoid the extreme of indifference.
In the middle of the sheet he wrote a final word: reality.
INDIFFERENCE--------------------REALITY--------------------CATASTROPHE
Reality is always what to aim for. Problems are seldom catastrophic, but at the same time, you don’t want to be indifferent to them, either.
The balance is to seek reality, see problems in perspective, learn what you can do about life’s hard stuff, and discern what you simply need to let lie.
That’s a diagram that’s helped enormously over the years. When the stuff of life happens, it helps sort out an appropriate response.
When a genuine problem arises, don’t shrug it off and say, “Oh, it’s no big deal.”
Similarly, avoid the other extreme, and don’t cry out, “Oh no! It’s the end of the world!”
Figure out what reality is, and work from there.
Question: What are some other helpful ways you’ve learned how to handle stress?
6 comments:
There are several things that help me, but two stood out when I read your question. One is journaling and from that prayer - but somehow writing things down help me to sort out my thinking and my feelings. Physically? Working out is really helpful to handling stress - it makes for better sleep too. Good words, Marcus
A good way to deal with stress for me is to talk to my girlfriend or a good friend about what is bothering me. Just the fact that I can share what is causing stress, and hear them talk about it, makes me realize I should not really worry about it too much, or makes me realize how to deal with it, what to do. One thing you should not do, is to keep quiet about it, or as you say, "freak out" completely, thinking it is the end of the world. For some reason, the older I became, the less stressed I am. Sure, there are moments, but from a very early age on I learned about the sacrifices of the men who fought battles during World War 2, and knowing this, I always see things relatively in relation to that. "OH NO!! The car is making strange noises, and we have to drop it off at the garage, and we are pretty short on money this month...eek!". That's how it went some years ago. Now I learned to think "ah well, I need to get this fixed, we will figure it out". If I feel completely stressed about something like this, it would be a bad thing! Over the years certain things happened in my life, that puts a lot of little things into perspective.
So...talk to someone about it. It doesn't have to be professional help, it can be your loved one, a good friend or family member.
great blog post Marcus, and Yuri, I enjoyed your post as well again. Great to speak with you every week.
Like I said last time I go out in the nature or I do one of my hobbies like tinkering with my bicycles. What I do much to less but what help a lot for me is reading! When I read I forget everything else around me. For sure it has to be a good book. I don't know why, but at the moment I can not read any other books than WWII related stuff. My brother, he is almost 3 years old than me, found his way into fanatsy books like 'The Warded Man' from Peter V. Brett. I read the first 14 pages and I quit. I never touched it again. I wanted to read further in my WWII book I read at that time: PRIVATE from Lester Atwell. A friend from the US gave it to me. Her father was a good friend of Lester, cause they faught in the same unit, the Golden Acorn Devision. It is a great read.
Thank you so much for your brillian advises Marcus.
T
Good words, all. Thank you.
Perspective.
Tremendously helpful.
Nice story Tobias, thanks for the book tip as well. I really enjoy this blog Marcus.
So very true. Thanks for your blog it's just great.
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