He was affable when he wanted to be. But he often interacted
with people using sarcasm or putdowns. His favorite salutation, one used co-workers
and even sometimes customers, was, “How’s Dummy today?”
For the first while I found myself giving this man the
benefit of the doubt. His behavior irked me, yes. But I constantly dismissed
his actions, explained them away, or swept them under my emotional rug.
I said to myself, “Oh, he’s only this way because his
marriage is difficult.” Or, “He’s only being a jerk because he woke up the
wrong side of the bed this morning.”
I tried to answer kindly when he offered insults. A lot of
people did. But time went on, and the man didn’t change. At least not as far as
I could tell.
Today I look back and wonder if that sort of response to the
man actually backfired. We were all so nice to him. Yet that’s the total of all
we were … nice. And that method of dealing with the man enabled him to continue
his negative course, unchecked.
The kindness itself was not intrinsically wrong. Our gentle
responses weren’t evil. But I know now that I erred in overlooking one extremely
important response in dealing with this man …
The truth.
Truth was that this man’s actions were wide of the mark. He was
unprofessional, demeaning, and unkind. And he needed to be fired. That was the
truth.
Did I ever once, when insulted, say something to the man as
straightforward as,
“You know, friend …
what you just said is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard,”
... and just let lie the awkwardness that might have resulted?
Those of us who come from Judeo-Christian backgrounds tend
to see our faith as a consistent directive to be nice to everybody, all the
time.
But not even Jesus was always nice. Not in the sense of the
word that means overly-accommodating.
To their faces, Jesus called his day’s hypocrites
“white-washed tombs.” Meaning—they were people who looked good on the outside,
but inside were full of death.
Once Jesus called Simon Peter, one of his closest friends,
“Satan,” and told Peter to get out of the way and get behind him. Peter was
longing for riches and fame, not justice and reconciliation, the true things of
God.
Yes, there’s a huge place in this world for niceness, for
kindness and gentleness, for giving people soft answers, and for turning away
wrath. We can always use more Mr. Nice Guys.
But there’s also a huge place in this world for speaking the
truth—speaking it as lovingly, barefaced, professionally, and boldly as you dare.
If something is absurd, call it absurd.
If something is wrong, call it wrong. Maybe only to
yourself. Maybe to a person who needs to be confronted.
Even Jesus did.
Question: how do you find the balance between speaking the truth, and
speaking it in love?
14 comments:
great message! Read an interesting book: "Jesus, Mean and Wild" As Christians we are far more comfortable identifying with meek and mild, but as you said, speaking truth boldly is neither.
Good thoughts, I'll need to check out that book.
Ah, one of those guys...we all know them, right? Personally, I always think that you should treat people the way you want to be treated yourself. I am nearly always positive, happy, outgoing, and always give someone the benefit of the doubt.
If I notice someone behaving really badly, I just stay "nice" as well, and keep my distance. Then a person is not worth spending energy on. It can get annoying though. When I was younger, I would hardly speak up for myself.
If I was waiting in line for 10 minutes, and someone would cut me off, I would not say anything. I wasn't good in dealing with confrontation. But, I learned through the years. When I see someone throwing a piece of candy paper on the ground, I tell them "excuse me sir, you just dropped a piece of paper" and point at it. It's fun to see that many people feel embarrassed by this, and realize they easily could have dropped it in the bin 10 steps away. That's a kind way of making someone aware of doing something bad. There are other times where you just need to speak up. If someone at work has an idea, and it simply sounds bad, you have to speak up for yourself. His/Her idea might mean a lot of extra work for yourself, and it might not even work out. If you see something like this coming up, you just speak up, and say how you feel. There is no bad way in speaking how you feel. Tell the people how you feel, and what you think that will happen. This way, you're honest, and give good points of why you think like that. New plans can be made that might work out better for everyone. Then there is the other example where one of your best friends has this "awesome idea!" to start a new business. After hearing what it is, you realize it might not be the best idea. What do you do? First of all you show him all the support in the world. If this is what he wants, go for it! If he needs help, he has your number! But, it's OK to tell him "buddy, I love you, and I will support you in this, but did you think about this or that? I am concerned about how that might work out?" Surely this is OK to say. He will know it comes spoken in love. It might not be nice to hear, but it comes from a feeling of love. Lots of ways to speak in love, to speak the truth, even when it hurts. It's something I learned to do after I got in some situations where I felt unhappy. "If only I had said something, I wouldn't have to do this now". That's where you learn. If this happens a few times, you'll be able to find a good balance in speaking the truth and speaking it in love. Nice blog Marcus!
"Lots of ways to speak in love, to speak the truth, even when it hurts."
Great line.
Overall, excellent thoughts Yuri. Thanks. --MB
Marcus - Another great post! I have read the book 'No More Christian Nice Guy.' A great book that echos your writing. It has taken me a long time to become comfortable being more assertive. It feels good too. I don't feel like I am being taken advantage of, or being pushed around any more. Just standing my ground for my beliefs, opinions and faith. A great life!
Thanks for your work. You do a great job.
Thanks Swimmerman. Appreciate your comments.
Well put. Truth needs no defense! Speaking the truth is love, and sometimes love is tough.
Thanks Truth.
Thanks Marcus. As a good friend of my often says "You don't have to be nicer than Jesus." You say it much better of course ;)
Well said, Rod. Thanks. -MB
Marcus: GREAT QUESTION. This took more time to think through with several answers. I thought of how my wife and I react and we are usually very truthful and loving with very few arguments. Ths may sound fictional, but it is the truth. I have been very fortunate to work with mostly very nice individuals where honesty and truthful sayings are common and cannot remember many nasty comments to each other. My first thougt, from your question, was from the book The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch. I have read and reread his book several times as his situation, cancer, was bad but I agreed with many of his teaching ideas. Chapter 22 is labeled The Truth Can Set You Free. His comments regarding his wife are worth reading and should be considered by all. Several of his quotes are not new but worth repeating. Look for the Best in Everybody and Watch What They Do, Not What They Say. I do not read the Bible as much as I should, but our new young Minister gives a great message each week with ideas to live by. By the way, the father of Randy was a medic during the Battle of the Bulge. Thank you for the time it takes you to do your weekly blog.
Gary
Gary, thanks so much for your thoughtful comment. I'll have to get a copy of that book you mentioned--I've seen it in stores and perused it, but never read it in depth.
Anyway, thanks again. --MB
Hi Marcus,
Unfortunately I wasn't around for pretty long hee. I see that I have missed a cople of great blog entries. So let's start with this one.
Speaking the truth is a vry important thing. I always try to do it, although it isn't in the rigt place sometime.
But the is a difficulty in all of this. What is the truth. Sure in physic you can be sure, but what with ideas others have like Yuri said. To judge somebodies idea is vry hard. Sue you have your own opions and all, but who knows maybe this idea your friend got is freaked out in your mind. But maybe it will work out fine for him. Giving him the support he needs and telling him your opinion about it is exactly the best you could do, like you said Yuri. But you have to be careful with that.
What I anted to say is that one mans truth isn't always the truth of the others.
My dad got some bad habbits in educate his childeren. In my opinion he did some things wrong and still do them the wrong way. I try to do these things better, but it is hard to come out of the way you were educated. You know what I mean. I notice myself doing the same wrong things, and afterwards I'm unhappy to myself.
Anyay...
We have a german saying: the same way you shout into the wood, the same way it echos back to you.
So same as Yuri said, treat people the way you want to be treated.
I enjoy reading you. Thank you.
Jasmine
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