February 26, 2013

Who Do You Need to Thank?


This weekend marked the 85th Academy Awards, a time of pageantry and accomplishment, and I’m reminded of when Fred Rogers (1928-2003) won a Lifetime Achievement Award at the 1997 Daytime Emmys. His words shed light on the part of any awards show that’s most often rushed.

The thank yous.

There was no soft-spoken sweater switcheroo this time. For all his gentle ways, Mr. Rogers was there in black tie and tux, reminding us grownups that his words still had power and conviction and authority, that he was still who we always believed he was—a velvet wrapped brick of a man.

In a simple 15-second message, Mr. Rogers drove home that no success story is created in a vacuum. That all of us, bootstrap pullers though we are, have a long legacy of people we need to thank.

Esquire magazine’s Tom Junod describes the experience.

Mister Rogers went onstage to accept the award—and there, in front of all the soap opera stars and talk show sinceratrons, in front of all the jutting man-tanned jaws and jutting saltwater bosoms, he made his small bow and said into the microphone, “All of us have special ones who have loved us into being. Would you just take, along with me, ten seconds to think of the people who have helped you become who you are. Ten seconds of silence.”

And then he lifted his wrist, looked at the audience, looked at his watch, and said, “I'll watch the time.”

There was, at first, a small whoop from the crowd, a giddy, strangled hiccup of laughter, as people realized that he wasn't kidding, that Mister Rogers was not some convenient eunuch, but rather a man, an authority figure who actually expected them to do what he asked.

And so they did.

One second, two seconds, three seconds—and now the jaws clenched, and the bosoms heaved, and the mascara ran, and the tears fell upon the beglittered gathering like rain leaking down a crystal chandelier.

And Mister Rogers finally looked up from his watch and said softly “May God be with you,” to all his … children

Who do you need to thank?

Who has helped you become who you are?

Would you take 10 seconds with me now, give yourself to the moment and to the task, and make a short list.

In no particular order, here’s an extremely short version of mine …

Educators:

To David Kopp, my friend and university journalism professor who kept me wanting to be there, to Murray Chalmers, my high school English teacher who spurred me forward, and to Dr. Shelly Cunningham at graduate school who once wrote on a paper, “Your writing deserves to find a wider audience,” thank you.

Spiritual leaders:

To pastor Tim Johnson, who’d talk to me about everything under the sun, to Camp Firwood directors Mike Johnson and Darell Smith, thank you for showing me a world more alive than I’d ever imagined.

Mentors:

To Lt. Buck Compton, who offered an example of a man who led well. Thank you.

Closest friends:

To Bob Craddock, you’re the greatest. Karen Clark, you are the sister I never had. Thank you.

Family:

To my parents, I’m grateful to have 2 people who loved me unconditionally along the way. You approached life like you were on my side, not on my back. Also to my in-laws, and my brother and his family. Family is most important, and thanks for being a great one.

Colleagues:

To my door-opening literary agent Greg Johnson. In the words of Rod Tidwell to Jerry Maguire, you are my ambassador of kwan. Thank you.

Wife and children:

To Mary Margaret, Addy, Zach, and baby X, you mean more to me than you’ll ever know. The words “thank you” don’t come close enough to expressing my gratefulness for you.

There are so many more people I could list. My friends in high school and college and at camp and at jobs along the way. My relatives. My pastor now. The guys I meet with regularly. The writers and thinkers and leaders and artists who I’ve never known but who’ve influenced anyway. So many people to thank.

So many people help you become who you are.

 
 
Read about the WWII Marines who fought in the Pacific in the new book,
 

—VOICES OF THE PACIFIC—
By Adam Makos with Marcus Brotherton

Available April 2, 2013. Ask for it at a bookstore near you, or preorder your copy HERE.
Your turn. Who has helped you become who you are? Use the comment section below to write your short list.

February 19, 2013

How to Survive Intense Shelling

Marines on Peleliu, courtesy Valor Studios

1.


Have you ever experienced intense shelling?

Shelling, in this case, is picture language for when life’s difficulties slam into you one right after another.

In seasons of intense shelling, the pressure never lets up, and the stress is relentless. You feel stuck in the battle, and the battle never seems to end. You can’t flee to safety. And you can’t fight your way out.

What then?

Envision with me some actual shelling. Get a picture in mind of those who’ve been there and successfully navigated it. Then apply lessons to your own seasons of intense bombardment.
 

2.

Peleliu was long on dead bodies, but woefully short on dirt.

The tiny south Pacific island known as Peleliu was made almost solely of coral, harder than cement, and that fast became a problem in 1944, WWII veteran R.V. Burgin told me.

Since a corpse couldn’t be buried in the coral, and, due to intense literal shelling, enemy corpses soon littered the ground.

The dead bodies bloated up in the hot sun during the 120-degree Fahrenheit days, the flies descended as thick as blackbirds, and the sour stench soon filled the Marines’ nostrils. In some places on Peleliu, everywhere a man stepped, he risked stepping on a dead body.

R.V. Burgin
Such was the horrific situation the soldiers found themselves in. What people today seldom realize about the battle on Peleliu, Burgin added, was that fighting while dodging corpses occurred both day and night, which confounded matters.

During daylight hours, the Marines overtly fought the enemy. Then at night, the enemy snuck out of caves and tried to infiltrate the Marines’ lines. Several times Burgin went 72 hours—three full days and nights—without one wink of sleep.

Once, Burgin had been awake hour after hour, fighting on the line. The shelling was relentless. By the third afternoon, he found he couldn’t focus his eyes anymore. So he called his sergeant, explained, and was ordered to come off the front line.

There were no secure places of safety anywhere. No beds or showers or stockades. Coming “off the line” meant hiking back to where two big guns were firing harassment rounds. There was a shell hole in front of one gun, and Burgin crawled right into that hole and promptly fell asleep.

The two guns kept firing every two minutes, but Burgin slept from 8 at night until 8 the next morning. The guns fired right over his head the whole time he slept.

How did Burgin sleep so soundly? Sheer exhaustion was undoubtedly a factor.

Yet I believe it was something more. A marker, perhaps, of someone who knew how to survive seasons of great difficulty.

3.

When I met R.V. Burgin some 65 years after the action on Peleliu, it was at a military show in Pennsylvania.

A strong, wiry figure, even in his late 80s, he and I shook hands and had a few meals together, and since our flights home left from the same airport terminal, we hung around in the metal chairs at his gate and talked shop. A few months later I interviewed him extensively about his experiences during the war.

It’s hard for me to believe a man like R.V. Burgin still exists in modern times. He’s an extreme warrior, an elite breed, a man who literally walked on corpses because there was no place to bury them, a man who slept twelve hours straight while two huge guns kaboomed overhead.

But one startling fact I noticed about Burgin is that he’s also a regular guy.
 
When Burgin came home from the war, he worked at the Post Office. He married and had four daughters. He took sightseeing trips around the States with his wife and children. Sixty-five years later, he walked to his terminal at the airport and sat in a metal chair, just like me.

And this first lesson may be one of the greatest encouragements of Burgin’s story.

Yes, the shelling he endured on Peleliu went on for a long, long time.

But, no, even in the midst of it, he knew the shelling would not last forever.

4.

What kind of shelling have you experienced?

In my 20s I worked in youth ministry. For a few years a family in our community experienced intense difficulty. I walked with them through several dark years, although certainly I didn’t feel their pain to the degree they felt it. I remember how day after day, month after month, even year after year, life for this family was agonizing.

The couple, in their 40s, had 5 children. One child had medical problems, which caused alarm. Most days the problems were manageable.

Then the couple had another child, born with Down’s syndrome. They loved their special needs child with all their hearts, yet the family’s world turned upside down.

Less than a year later, the unthinkable happened. Their oldest son’s wife, a beautiful young woman with a new baby of her own, experienced mental health issues, mostly due to severe post-partum depression, and she ended up taking her life.

Her death, and the horrific way it happened, caused unimaginable pain through their family, not to mention within their close-knit farming community.

For them, it seemed the shelling would never stop.

5.

I vividly remember the cold February morning in 1995 in that small farming community when the oldest son’s wife took her life.

The sun was out, strange for wintertime in the Pacific Northwest, and I drove to the family’s house. A crowd was already there, friends and extended family members, all sobbing. All shocked. All fighting hard to keep going.

Two of the family’s boys were in my high school youth group, so I invited the boys outside in the bright sunshine, away from the wailing inside the house, and we walked in the wet grassy field toward the back of their property.

We walked in silence for a long time, because there seemed little of substance that could be said just then. What worked was to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Even when life didn’t make sense. Even when life was agonizingly painful.

Here’s some good news.

This family and I are still in contact, in varying degrees, some 18 years later. The boys have grown and are well adjusted. The child with the medical problems grew up, got married and had children, and is mostly healthy today. The young husband who lost his wife is remarried. The baby with Down’s syndrome grew up to be a remarkable young woman who’s touched many lives for good.

No, the family’s success now doesn’t ever diminish the hardship they went through years ago, but it helps put their difficulties into perspective. Their example offers another lesson: when life is difficult, agonizing, and uncertain, sometimes the best thing you can do is just keep going forward.

R.V. Burgin said something similar, when I asked him how he coped on Peleliu: “Sometimes you just need to keep fighting, even though you can’t see the end of the war. That’s what we did, day after day after day.”

6.

A famous bit of ancient poetry, Psalm 46, is often quoted at funerals.

God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea.

For years I understood that passage only in the context of comfort. That God is a sanctuary, a place of refuge through storm.

But the older I get, I understand it more as a warning. It’s an admonition to develop a gritty, soldier-like faith.

It doesn’t say if the earth give way. It says though it will. Meaning, the earth has a nasty habit of giving way, and we’re to expect calamity when it arrives. The foundations of our lives will be rocked, and our mountains will fall into the heart of the sea. So—the question is begged—what kind of refuge and strength will we turn to when those hard times come?

Trouble is a given. That’s the implication. God is seldom in the business of removing trouble from people’s lives, even though we’d like him to do that. God is a fellow journeyer in our seasons of intensity. He’s not so much a remover of troubles as he is a platoon sergeant through them.

Here’s the third lesson. I asked Burgin about faith in the midst of intense shelling. This is how he described it:

Sure there was fear. There was always fear.

And, sure, I prayed.
 
But the way I figured it, God had a lot of people to take care of, so I never wanted to bore him with any long prayers. I just always said, ‘God, my life is in your hands. Take care of me.’

I used that same prayer all the way through the war. And he did. He took care of me. I never wondered why other people were getting maimed, mutilated, and killed, and I wasn’t. I had no answer for that, but I never gave thought to why I never got hit. I just never wondered about it.

Certainly I never had any pity parties, crying out to God about all the trouble that came our way.

You just do your damn job and let things fall where they fall.

7.

Consider then, when we find ourselves in seasons of great intensity:

We’re invited to keep putting one foot ahead of the other.

Often we can’t figure a way out of a difficult season, or make the pain lessen. But we can keep on living. We can keep going forward little by little. And someday, usually, perhaps far in the future, the hurting will stop … or at least become manageable.

We’re invited to have faith.

Not some dim-witted kind of unruffled faith that goes around seeking an easy life. But—and I offer these words carefully—a gravel-spitting-WWII-Marines-sort-of-faith that says, “God, my life is in your hands. Thanks for being in the muck and the blood with me when the shells are falling.”

And we’re invited to go outside a house of mourning for a walk.

Almost always, in small ways, opportunities exist to take moments of silence away from the shelling. Those small moments occur in grassy fields of our choice. Since God is ever present in times of trouble, we are reassured of refuge and strength.

We sleep soundly. Even while huge guns kaboom overhead.

And then, because we must, we return to the battle.

 

Question: Have you ever found yourself in a season of intense shelling? How did you get through it?
 
 

Read more about R.V. Burgin and the WWII Marines who fought in the Pacific in the new book,


—VOICES OF THE PACIFIC—

By Adam Makos with Marcus Brotherton

Available April 2, 2013. Ask for it at a bookstore near you, or preorder your copy HERE.

 

 

February 12, 2013

The 5 Most Important Dates to Have

Valentine's Day this week, eh, so we've got love and marriage on the mind?

Gather ‘round boys, and listen in.

A year ago, last Valentine's Day, I introduced you to the wisdom of the late Crazy Ned Van der Meyer, an 88-year-old Holstein farmer living on a lushly plowed dirt patch in Custer, Washington.

Crazy Ned “dispensed advice to spare,” as folks say politely in these parts. Yet the bulk of his advice was straight-shooting common sense.

“Today’s young folks don’t know a hill of beans about dating,” Crazy Ned told me flatly one day. “It’s all fancy dinners and roses and amusement parks. But that ain’t what marriage is about ‘cept maybe once or twice a year.”

“Do tell,” I said. "So, what makes a good date?"

So Ned did tell.

I’ll pass along Ned’s advice to you here and let it stand. If your current social status is single, take heed. If you know someone in this season of life, please forward this post.

If you’re married, just sit back, smile, and nod knowingly. You should be good at that by now anyway, Ned said.

Crazy Ned’s 5 most important dates
any person needs to have
before getting married
 

1.      Buy a hot water heater valve together.

In your married life, something’s bound to break and will need replacing.

“You won’t even know this thing exists until it busts,” Ned said. “But trust me, it will bust, and at the most tiresome and aggravating time.”

Then you won’t be able to live normally until you spend a lot of your hard-earned money to get the problem repaired.

2.      Have a small child upchuck in your car.

“Once you’re hitched and have young’uns of yer own,” Crazy Ned said, “ain’t no avoiding this.”

So when you’re dating, borrow someone else’s sick kids, and let them heave all over the seats of your Xterra.

You and your date can discuss how to best deal with the situation, and watch the rollicking good times that result.

3.      Go to the post office together.

When you’re hitched, “you spend a lot of time going to needful places where there ain’t much excitement,” Ned explained.

So if you can still have fun together on a boring date, then you know you’re actually interested in the person you’re dating.

But if you can only have fun together while doing something fun, it might be that you are more interested in the event, rather than the person.

“Used to spend tons of time necking with my dates in the parking lot of the A&P,” Ned added, a slight grin on his weathered face.

4.      Sit on the couch together and watch TV.

“You and the wife will be doing this most evenings for the rest of your lives, Ned said. “But it ain’t bad.”

As a bonus, watch a show that one of you likes, but the other one hates.

As a double bonus, have the other person eat something crunchy and loud, like an apple or popcorn, during all the important talking parts.

5.      Pack up a room together.

“I ain’t one for moving around much,” Ned said. “But you’ll probably need to find work in another town at least once in yer married life.”

Moving involves sorting your belongings into three piles first, Ned explained. “The stuff yer taking with you. The stuff yer letting her throw out. And the stuff yer hiding from her so she can’t.”

Crazy Ned had been happily married to the same good woman since he was 20 and she was 17. He knew powerful secrets about marriage, he said.

Me? … I’ve been married for 14 years now.

I believe Crazy Ned was spot on.
 

Question: What’s the most important thing for a man to learn while he’s dating? If you're married, what's a good date look like for you? 
 

February 5, 2013

How to Brainstorm the Best Ideas Ever

You’re a brainstorming kind of a guy. I can see that about you.

You’re often in meetings where the boss says, “Okay team, let’s run this up the flagpole and see what we get.”

After that, everyone breaks loose with their ideas. Some strategic. Some idiotic. It typically takes a lot of the latter to arrive at the former.

Brainstorming sessions happen in less formal ways as well. If you’re a family man, you’ll often encounter impromptu brainstorming session on Saturday mornings. You gather your wife and kids and say, “Hey troops, what do you want to do today?”

Your 9-year-old daughter will want to go to Disneyland. Or watch TV and eat massive amounts of junk food.

Your 4-year-old son will want to go for a hike. Or watch TV and eat massive amounts of junk food.

Your wife? She simply wants you to take the kids off her hands so she can relax for a moment.

Or … wait, is that just my family?

So what do you do? How do you truly arrive at the best ideas ever? If you’re leading the brainstorming session, how do you instruct your team to field all requests while letting their minds go to truly creative places and arrive at strategic solutions?

If you’re in the pack, how do you become a team player when your leader has just asked you to think big?

Enter a remarkably simple yet highly effective phrase.

yes … and

I learned the technique of “yes … and” awhile back in a leadership seminar taught by Craig McNair Wilson, a former Disney imaginer who went on to be a successful corporate coach.

To use the phrase effectively, everyone in a brainstorming session needs to be in on the plan. So it may require some work on your behalf to introduce the idea to your boss, team, or family.

Once introduced, the big idea is that whatever is said is followed up with the two words yes … and. Meaning every idea is met with an agreement, (at least in passing), and a follow-up. No idea is dead in the water, no matter how outlandish or offbeat it initially seems.

It’s that simple.

It’s that strategic.

Put yourself in a corporate boardroom. Maybe you work for NIKE, and CEO Phil Knight has just asked his team to brainstorm ways to market a new, fun running shoe to a children’s demographic. Phil calls for ideas.
 

PERSON 1: Maybe we could host parties?


PERSON 2: Yes … and, maybe the parties could have cool themes that really attract this demographic.
 

PERSON 3: Yes … and, maybe one of the themes is a luau.
 

PERSON 4: Yes … we’ll host luaus in each city in our major markets … and, these will be no ordinary luaus either. Maybe our luaus feature dinosaurs and princesses—two things this age group completely adores.  
 

PERSON 5: Yes … luaus with dinosaurs and princesses and door prizes and DJs and bouncy houses and jugglers and online treasures for the kids who can’t attend, and celebrity endorsements along with major media support to advertise the events … all leading back to our new shoe.
 

PHIL: Great work, team. Have an outline on my desk by tomorrow.
 

That’s an oversimplification of the process, (and undoubtedly NIKE’s marketing is more sophisticated than described), but it gives you an idea of what might happen when using this technique. The two basic building blocks for effective brainstorming are positive feedback and a continuation of ideas. That way a team surfaces a truly unique solution to the problem.

With yes … and, a person can disagree with an idea, sure. But instead of immediately shooting it down, he simply leads the conversation in a new and engaging direction, like:
 
PERSON 6: Yes … and maybe another idea to compliment the luaus would be soccer camps and skateboard clinics so we position the new shoe more closely with athletics…

And the brainstorming session continues to flow.

Try it with your team.

Try it with your family.

And see what happens the next time you need to come up with a great idea.

 

Question: What techniques do you use when you need to come up with good ideas? Do you ever find your creativity running low, if so, what do you do to refill your tank? What's an example of something creative you or your team recently dreamed up and implemented?