One Simple Switch that Guarantees Results

 

What’s the best way to ask somebody for something—a way that guarantees results?

It seldom works well to order, threaten, cajole, wheedle, or beg. Studies have shown that the best way to request things of people, inspire them, or motivate them to action is to ask honestly, directly, and clearly.

Could you please pass the salt?

But … here’s where the art form of requesting surfaces.

Linguistics note that could is a highly loaded word, similar to can. It’s so loaded that people actually bristle when it’s used. The word sets up defensiveness and entrenches people in their own opinions. It sounds like such a simple word, but it actually backfires. It establishes antagonistic relationships.

Why?

It’s because the word could connotes a subtle inquiry into a person’s abilities or talents, which is not what you’re saying at all. It faintly implies that a person is unable or lacks talent. And that’s why it silently sets people off.

Here’s what happens when you use the word could.

BOSS: Hey, could you do these reports by Monday?

EMPLOYEE: (thinks to himself). Could I? Of course I could, you big lout. But I’m going to take the weekend off, like my contract says I can.

Or:

HUSBAND: Honey, could you pick up my dry cleaning?

            WIFE: Could I? Well, sure I could, you lazy sack of cheese. But I’ve been working all day wiping the kids’ noses and cleaning the house and writing the thank you notes for our Christmas gifts while you’ve been sitting on your keister eating donuts behind your desk. Why don’t you try and help out once in a while?!

Ever been there?

Enter a simple solution … instead of using the word could,

…switch to using the word would.

Linguistics note that the word would establishes an entirely different dynamic in a relationship. Instead of a person feeling put upon by a request, a person feels honored. The use of would subtly implies that the other person has options. By complying with your request he feels like he’s actually doing you a favor, which makes him feel empowered and even altruistic.

Try the technique with the same examples.

BOSS: Would you be able to do these reports by Monday?

EMPLOYEE: Would I? Of course, Boss. I’m you’re top man. You just watch me in action.

Or:

HUSBAND: Honey, would you be able pick up my dry cleaning on your way home from work please?

WIFE: Would I? Of course, dear. Thanks for asking so politely, you sensitive hunk, you. Mmm mmm, kiss, kiss.

Try it for awhile. Switch one simple word in your requests, from could to would, and see what kind of results are achieved.

Question: What’s one request someone made of you recently? How did the person ask it of you, and what was your response?

Note to Self: Give People a Wide Berth

 

1.

Near my house is a 2.8 mile trail that loops through tall, old growth forest, and as I hiked in solitude, I noticed a scowling middle-aged woman hiking straight toward me on the same trail.

The distance between us narrowed. I inched closer to the right hand side of the trail, expecting the woman to inch toward her right side so we could easily pass one another. It seemed the logical thing to do, particularly to a male mindset—for two hikers to pass like two cars would on a North American road.

Instead, the woman inched closer to the same side of the trail as I was hiking on. It looked deliberate, almost like a challenge. As the distance between us narrowed even further, the woman kept her course. We were hiking straight toward each other. So, out of sheer sociological curiosity, I kept my course. If one of us didn’t make a move soon, we would smack straight into each other.

Finally, when we were about six feet apart, the woman yelled, “PASS ON THE LEFT! ON THE LEFT!”

I obliged, stepped aside silently, and the woman and I passed on the trail. About five seconds after the woman had passed by me, my inquisitiveness got the best of me and I called back over my shoulder, “Out of curiosity, why pass on the left?”

“Well,” said the woman hotly, “it’s how pedestrians are supposed to pass each other.”

2.

Really?

I continued down the trail a few steps without saying anything. Besides being a bit bewildered by the woman’s actions, I was a little miffed at her. I was no stranger to hiking this loop, and nobody I had ever seen before on the trail made such a big deal about passing on the left. Besides, nobody likes being told what to do, I thought.

To further drive the point home that I WAS RIGHT AND SHE WAS WRONG, as I hiked further down the trail, I passed at least a dozen more people walking toward me on the trail. Every single one of them passed by me on the right, like a car would do.

“Sheesh,” I thought. “That poor woman. She must have had a really rough hike if she felt it was her duty to set straight every single hiker she passed today.”

Ever been there?

You know you’re right. Or at least you’re pretty sure you’re right. And yet somebody else is hiking straight toward you. The other person is headstrong, same as you. You don’t want to give an inch. And neither does the other person.

What do you do?

3.

While I was on this hike, I thought about a classic children’s story I’ve often read to our kids. It’s called “The Zax,” by Dr. Seuss.

If you’ve never read it … Two funky looking creatures, called “Zax,” are out walking one day in the Prairie of Prax.

One Zax is heading north.

The other Zax is heading south.

The two creatures meet face to face and stop. Each refuses to move east or west or any direction except their respective headings.

So the two Zaxes stand there arguing and arguing and arguing and become stuck in their conflict. The two Zaxes stand so long that eventually days pass … and then years ….

… and eventually a highway overpass is built around them.

The story ends with the Zaxes still standing there eons later, “unbudged in their tracks.” 

 

4.

That’s my confession.

Too many times I am just like one of those Zaxes.

As I hike down the road of life, I encounter some sort of disagreement with another person and I refuse to budge. I’ve got my way of doing things, a way that seems logical to me, even a way of doing things that might seem logical to most people, and if someone heads my way with a different idea, I don’t like being told what to do.

I’d rather make a case for being right. I’d rather vent and yell and shout that I’ve been wronged. Or I’d rather just stuff the conflict down inside me, buried but not resolved.

I don’t naturally want to see things from another person’s perspective. I don’t want to crawl into someone else’s hiking boots and try to understand how she’s looking at the world. It’s easy for me to remain stuck in conflict while a highway overpass is built right over my head.

Can you relate?

The apostle Paul urges us, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (italics added)

That’s our invitation: to let a headstrong person go ahead. At least as far as it depends on us. It’s often wisest to give a person like that a really wide berth. Just step to the side, and let the other person go his or her headstrong way.

The action saves you a whole heck of a lot of headache in the end.

5.

Fortunately for me on the hiking trail, this story has a happy ending. About half an hour later, since the trail went in a circle, I spotted this same scowling woman hiking straight toward me again.

I’d sorted through the situation by then in my own mind, worked through my feelings of disgruntlement, decided it wasn’t in my best interest to get into a debate, and even felt a bit of sympathy toward the woman.

I was able to call out a polite, “Nice to see you again,” as I passed by her on the left, and I even meant it. I sincerely wished the best for this woman, scowling though she was.

We were two fellow hikers passing each other on the trail of life. Each with different ways of doing things, yes, but hopefully not at odds with each other.

Life’s too short to be all worked up over something like that.

At least it is for me.

Question: When was the last time you went head to head with a person? Have you ever given a person “a wide berth?” If so, what resulted?

A Wild Night at the Red Cross Worker Station

Katharine and her brother Sid.

I want to give you one last entry associated with the VOICES OF THE PACIFIC, then we’ll return to other leadership topics next week.

Today’s entry comes from Katharine Singer, the sister of Marine Sid Phillips. Katharine was featured in Ken Burns’ project The War and provides insight into the important home-front perspective during WWII.

I met Katharine a few years back and interviewed her extensively for VOICES. Her complete story is featured as a bonus section on Adam Makos’ website, www.valorstudios.com

Listen to Katharine tell a great story about working in a Red Cross canteen in Mobile, Alabama, during the war years:

There was no shortage of things for girls to do for the war effort if they made any effort at all.

Down near the railroad station was a Red Cross canteen, and my friend Polly Barnett and I would take the bus down on Saturday evenings to work there. At the canteen we served donuts, sandwiches, and hot coffee to the troops as they came through Mobile on the trains. The Red Cross provided the basic foods but we fixed it all and served the boys.

The canteen was in a rough area of the city. Whenever we first arrived, members of the Shore Patrol would wait for us to walk us the three blocks from the train station down to the canteen because there were beer joints all along there—places where sailors hung out—and the Red Cross didn’t feel it was safe for us to walk through there alone.

The system worked like this: We got word whenever a troop-train was coming, and we’d pile food on trays, head outside, and walk along under the train’s windows, holding the trays above our heads. The soldiers and sailors and marines would reach out of the windows and take the food off the trays. They’d call out to us and talk to us and all.

Well, one night three of us went down there all prepared to serve this troop train. When we got there, we got the food and walked outside to the train. But instead of the boys reaching out of the windows and all, we heard this loud whoop and yelling. All the boys starting pouring off the train, running straight after us! It scared us absolutely to death.

I threw my sandwiches in the air and started running as fast as I could. My friend with the donuts did the same thing. But my friend Polly was carrying the coffee and couldn’t get rid of it as quickly. So I don’t know how many Marines surrounded her and began to kiss her. When she finally got away, and we all ran into the canteen, we closed and locked the door and hid under the counter. I have never been so frightened in my life.

We found out afterward that they were Marines that had been taken off Iwo Jima by ship and brought into New Orleans. We were the first American girls they had seen in a year, and they were determined. So it was a wild night, it really was.

Finally the Shore Patrol, the MPs, and their own officers got all the soldiers back on the train, and the train pulled out.

But we didn’t come out of the canteen for the rest of the night.

VOICES OF THE PACIFIC

By Adam Makos with Marcus Brotherton

Ask for it at a bookstore near you, or order your copy HERE.

Question: how do you volunteer for a cause you believe in?

Like a Pat of Butter in a Hot Frying Pan

I will regain my words, I hope, sometime in the next week or so. Those words are gone right now, taken away along with my breath, at least when it comes to describing what I have just witnessed in our family this past week.
 

Yes sir, that's my baby.

Sometimes you see something so wondrous in the world you can’t even begin to write about it. You pass around pictures, along with your cigars of elation, and you invite people to stare in wonder along with you.

Welcome to the world, you crazy kid you.

Big sister and big brother come to visit.

The baby "brought" presents for each of the kids. Zach liked his jeep quite a lot. Smart man.

Here’s what others have said on this subject.

 

“I felt something impossible for me to explain in words. I got scared all over again and began to feel giddy. Then it came to me... I was a father.”

—Nat King Cole

 

“The father of a daughter is nothing but a high-class hostage. A father turns a stony face to his sons, berates them, shakes his antlers, paws the ground, snorts, runs them off into the underbrush, but when his daughter puts her arm over his shoulder and says, 'Daddy, I need to ask you something,' he is a pat of butter in a hot frying pan.”

—Garrison Keillor

 

“If one feels the need of something grand, something infinite, something that makes one feel aware of God, one need not go far to find it. I think that I see something deeper, more infinite, more eternal than the ocean in the expression of the eyes of a little baby when it wakes in the morning and coos or laughs because it sees the sun shining on its cradle.”

—Vincent van Gogh

 

“Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.”

—Bill Cosby

 

“I don't care how poor a man is; if he has family, he's rich.”
—Colonel Sherman Potter, M*A*S*H

 

Amie-Merrin Faith Brotherton, welcome to the world.

The Things That Can’t Be Naturally Explained

Marines on Guadalcanal, file.

 Clint Watters was fighting with the 3^rd Raider Battalion, a unit with a really tough reputation, when they were sent to Bougainville.

Bougainville is one of those obscure battles of WWII you don’t hear much about. The men describe it as very rugged and difficult with swamps, heat, dirt, and blood. Their orders were to take a strategic area of land to build an airstrip on.

Watters was on the initial wave to land on Bougainville, November 1, 1943.

 

The story is recorded in his own words.

 

I was a sergeant by then, a section leader in charge of 12 men, and this was my first landing under fire. I’d say we were very unprepared.

 

We landed on Bougainville in those old Higgins boats. The shells just came right through the side.

We had some tanks that came in behind us. If you can picture it, they had, like, an open body on them, and the Japanese were dropping grenades on our tanks from up in the trees, right into the body. It was a real mess. 

 

Now, what follows takes a bit of telling, but I vowed to tell this story wherever I could. I’d never been the religious sort. My grandfather only became an active Christian when he got old. He got squared up and started to go to church. But my father was not a Christian at all. He was an alcoholic. My mother was Canadian French and Catholic, but Dad didn’t approve of being Catholic. So we’d never been active in church as children, although I’d go to churches with my friends sometimes.



Clint Watters



Heavy fire was all around us. We were still on the beach and hadn’t gone very far inland. Suddenly I found I couldn’t move. This wave of fear swept over me and completely immobilized me. I think every man who ever goes into action is worried he’s going to get into that condition.

 

But that was me. I didn’t know what to do. I literally couldn’t move. I ended up stopping my advance, right in the middle of the invasion.

In the middle of that battle, I did the only thing I could think of. I dropped to my knees and asked God for help.

 

There was nobody around me, but I’d swear somebody touched me. There was an actual physical presence, just like somebody put his hand on my shoulder.

 

He told me to get up, stand up, go forward, and that he was going to take care of me.

Well, that was all I needed. I stood up and led my men in. We went into Bougainville and cleaned up there and went on with the battle.

 

That incident I had with God at Bougainville changed my life. I committed myself to serving God for the rest of my days, and I never felt fear in battle ever again.

 

VOICES OF THE PACIFIC

By Adam Makos with Marcus Brotherton

Ask for it at a bookstore near you, or order your copy HERE.

 

Question: A man encounters God in battle—what do you think of this? Have you ever heard similar stories? Have you ever encountered God in the midst of a difficult situation yourself?